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IELTS Essay Corrected – Inequality between Rich and Poor Nations

Question: The inequality between rich and poor nations is now wider than it has ever been before.What do you think are the main causes of this difference and what do you think can be done to reduce the gap?

Look at the sample written essay by a student below. The red color words/phrases with numbers are where should be corrected.

A written IELTS essay answer to the question:

Through the years the disparity among the industrialized and the undeveloped countries has 1.advanced. It can be argued that the lack of education and 2.how the government institution of a state functions are the reasons behind this experience. 

The lack of education has a great impact on the economic development of a nation state. Education plays a vital role in 3.acquiring jobs, learning new skills and bringing 4.comforts of life. For example, 5.my own country 6.Philippines has been considered to be one of the poorest countries in Asia. This is due to the declining 7.quality education of the nation causing poverty. Another cause would be the government 8.institution of a nation.

Corruption has been a real issue in the governance of indigent nation. For instance, most European 9.state has been known to be less corrupt compared to African 10.state. As a result, most if not all European 11.nation is more develop 12.compared to other continents. 

The solution for this inequality would be a strategic plan to improve the quality of education especially in non-industrialized 13.country through increasing the resources for education although this could be easier to 14.say than to be done. Moreover, tightening the government policies specifically regarding 15.anti corruption 16. as well protecting property rights should be given priority by every nation.

Corrected with numbers

  1. advanced –¬†here increased would be the correct word.
  2. how the government¬†institution¬†of a state functions. –¬†How the government manages¬†state institutions would be a better way to say it.
  3. acquiring jobs –¬†Obtaining jobs/employment would be better.
  4. comforts of life –¬†Bringing life’s comforts, or bringing a higher standard of living would be¬†more professional.
  5. my –¬†IN MY OWN
  6. THE Philippines(plural needs country= The UK, The Seychelles)
  7. quality education –¬†quality OF education¬†
  8. institution of a nation –¬†better to say:¬†Government running/management of THE nation.
  10. state Рshould be plural = states
  11. ¬†nation is –¬†nationS ARE more developED
  12. compared to other continents –¬†Maybe better to say compared to other countries,¬†because you haven’t mentioned continents beforehand.
  13. country –¬†COUNTRIES must be plural because you didn’t place the article.
  14. say than to be done –¬†What you wrote was OK but here is a common expression which¬†sounds better: Easier said than done.
  15. anti corruption –¬†ANTI-CORRUPTION
  16. as well Рshould be placed a the end of the sentence.

Final Feedback

  • TASK ACHIEVEMENT¬†– You were able to give viable reasons and solutions to wealth inequality between countries.
  • LEXICAL RESOURCE –¬†State, governance, corruption, policies, all of these are good examples of topic specific¬†vocabulary which you used, well done.
  • COHESION AND COHERENCE –¬†Explanation is clear and logical. However incorrect use of some words clouded the¬†meaning, for example:¬†institution.
    Good introduction and paragraphing although I did separate the paragraphs with an extra white line to enable myself to follow it better, I would do this for the written. The paragraphs were appropriate and the content was structured well. 
  • GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY –¬†Good range of grammar structures e.g. Perfect tenses: Has been, comparatives: easier,¬†Conditionals; would be.¬†Some errors are committed, mainly with regards to plurals.

1 thought on “IELTS Essay Corrected – Inequality between Rich and Poor Nations”

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